The New Year’s Eve show came and went. All of Matt’s nieces and nephews were spending as much time with their uncle as they could. They all helped where they could in taking care of him. If Jenn had to step out to get his medication at least one of the kids was there to wait on him hand and foot. He thought it was cute but tried not to laugh too much so that he didn’t scare them with his coughing fits. When he did have the, he tired to be sure that one of the older kids was nearby or that it was his sister or brother in law that was close at hand. He hated the way he felt. He felt like a total burden, and he said as much one afternoon to David. “I can’t help it, David. I feel like I’m weighing you guys down”, he said.
“Matt, you’re not a burden. The kids enjoy the time they get to spend with you. You’re Uncle Matt, for crying out loud. How often have any of them gotten to see you in the past several years?” Matt nodded as he started coughing. David clapped him hard on the back one handed as he coughed. “Get it up, Matt. You’ll be ok.”
When Matt was finished coughing, he took a deep breath. “You’re right, they haven’t gotten to see a lot of me over the years. And here it is, Jake and Jordan are closing in on 14 and I might not live to see them turn 15. I might not be around to see the quads turn 7. I might not be around to see Maddie turn 12. I’ll get to see Marc and Jessi turn 6, but not 7. And all because I had to be a fucking hero”, he said. As he finished the sentence he started with another body shaking cough. David clapped him hard on the back again to help him cough up the crap in his lungs.
“Stop thinking like that”, David demanded. “You’re a Marine, Matthew Cartwright. You are Master Gunnery Sergeant Matthew Cartwright. The man I know wouldn’t lie down and just let the cancer kill him. You might only have a few months left, but the Matthew Cartwright I know would fight this shit tooth and nail. He would enjoy life to the fullest while he still can.”
Matt chuckled, and it turned into a coughing fit. The coughing was going to be the death of him, but he didn’t care. When he was finished coughing, he looked his brother in law in the face and smiled. “you know what, David? You’re right. I shouldn’t lie down and let this beat me. I’m a Marine. No self respecting Marine would let cancer beat him.” He coughed again. When he regained his composure, he continued. “When is Malachai and Jordan’s next performance?”
David shrugged. “You’d have to ask Malachai. I have NO idea. I don’t book those for them. That’s all Malachai.”
“Where is he?”
“Out back with his fiancée, they’re getting ready for her doctor’s appointment today. She mentioned something about not feeling right. They’re going to have an ultrasound done to see if everything is going alright.”
“Malachai must be excited. He’s going to be a father.”
David shook his head. “He’s petrified.”
Matt shrugged. “I guess I can see why. He’s still really young and he’s about to become a father. I guess I would be afraid too were I in his shoes.”
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She was scared to death as she thought about what was possibly wrong with her. All kinds of terrible scenarios ran through her mind as she and her fiancé sat in the waiting room to see Dr. Jefferies. Her hands rested over her abdomen, a tiny bump starting to show under her top. She reached over and tapped her fiancé on the knee. “Malachai, have you noticed this?” she asked him, pointing to the bump.
He looked at her and nodded. “Yes, I have. I think it’s sexy.” He reached over and rested a hand on her knee. “Mandy, baby, you’re worrying over nothing. I’m sure that there’s nothing serious wrong. You there is a possibility that you could be having twins, though. From what my mom says, twins run in the family.”
“Well, Malachai, that’s somewhat obvious. Your parents have two sets of fraternal twins and two pairs of identical twins.”
“Then why are you freaking out over this? I’m sure everything is fine.” As he finished the sentence, the nurse came out and called them back.
When they told Dr. Jeffries what was happening, he immediately ordered an ultrasound. As he moved the wand over the stomach, she stared at the screen. “Malachai, are you seeing what I’m seeing?” she asked him.
“I see two. Is that what you’re seeing?”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m seeing.” She looked at the doctor. “Are we seeing that right?”
“You sure are. Looks like you two are going to be the proud parents of two beautiful babies in about seven months”, the doctor said.
“See?” Malachai told her, “you were freaking out over nothing.”
“I suppose I was”, she said with a sigh.
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When they got home, Amanda and Malachai went straight into the main house, giving the front door a knock before walking in. “Mom, Dad!” Malachai shouted when he walked into the house.
“Kitchen, Malachai”, Brie shouted back. “Try not to make your Uncle laugh too hard. We don’t need him coughing up blood.”
They made a face, and went carefully and quietly into the Kitchen. “Mom, Dad, we have good news!” Amanda said. “There’s not anything drastically wrong with me.”
“Well, that is good news”, David said.
“Instead, I’m having twins”, she added quickly.
Matt looked up from the kitchen table and he, David, and Brie all exchanged a look. “Did I just hear her right?” Matt asked.
“She did say ‘twins’ didn’t she?” David added.
“Baby, it looks like we get to go back to your favorite place to get another crib, bassinet, stroller and car seat”, Brie giggled.
“Not that fucking boutique again”, David complained.
“What boutique?” Matt and Malachai asked in unison.
“There is this little high end baby boutique down town. One of the sales clerks irks your father, Malachai. Hell, the little bitch irks me too.”
“Irks, hell. Annoys the piss out of me is more like it”, David said.
Matt chuckled softly. “That’s funny. What did she do that annoyed you, brother in law?”
“She was a snobby little bitch that acted like we were a couple of country bumpkins who had no money and were just there to window shop.”
“What did you do, Dad?” Amanda asked.
By this point, David and Brie had gotten used to hearing Amanda call them “Dad” and “Mom”. “I didn’t do anything. Your mother in law did. She told the girl, ‘Do me a favor and act like you’re talking to people that could buy this store. Better yet, don’t pretend’. It was hilarious.”
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That night as he lay in bed, Matt started mumbling in his sleep. Jenn awoke to the sound and stared at him, trying to understand what he was saying, but he wasn’t speaking English. She crawled quietly out of bed and headed downstairs to where David and Brie sat watching TV. “David, Brie, come listen to this”, she called from midway down the stairs.
“What’s going on, Jenn?” Brie asked as she uncurled herself from David’s side so that the two of them could stand.
“Matt’s mumbling in his sleep, sis”, Jenn said, the concern in her voice evident.
They darted for the stairs and ran up past her. Brie was the first in the room. David arrived on her heels and slid an arm across her waist. “Do you understand anything he’s saying, honey?” she asked.
“It sounds like he’s speaking in Yiddish”, David said. “He’s saying something about ‘Mother, I’ve done my best. Do I have to suffer any longer?’”
“He’s talking to Mom alright. Our mother was the only of our parents that spoke Yiddish. Dad spoke Gaelic.”
“He’s trying to make peace with his ancestors before he finally let’s go”, David said. “I’ve heard of it being done, but not this soon. From what I understand, you usually hear it close to the end. He’s trying to fight it off. He may be fighting a losing battle, but he found his will to fight again after a conversation we had this afternoon.”
Jenn’s heart sank. “He wants it to be over sooner rather than later, it seems.” She took in a shuddering breath. “I don’t what I’m gonna do without him.”
“Hold on, Jenny, he’s not done yet. He just told Mom he’d come back here for a little while longer. He asked her if she’d come get him when it was his time”, Brie said.
Just then, Matt went into one of his coughing fits. He rolled onto his side and coughed over the edge of the bed, pulling a trashcan closer to him. Brie went over to her brother and beat gently on his back. “It’s ok, Matty, Ri is here. Just get it all out.” She continued to beat on his back. Her hands were in loose fists as she did so. She looked down into the trash can and saw that the bag was filling with blood. If we’re not careful, he’s going to need a blood transfusion before all is said and done.
She sat there with his head in her lap for about 30 minutes as he practically coughed up a lung. After his coughing fit was over, he laid there with his head in his sister’s lap. She took a Kleenex and cleaned the blood from his mouth and rubbed his back with her free hand. “It’s ok, Matty. If you’re ready to go, I can let you go”, she whispered to him, her voice choked with tears. “It’s gonna hurt like hell, but I can let you go, big brother. You don’t have to stick around to protect me anymore. David does a dandy job of that all on his own.” Tears flooded her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. Not in front of her brother. She wouldn’t let him see how badly she was hurting. No matter how sick he was, she wasn’t going to let him see her break down.
“Love you, little sis”, he whispered in his sleep as she rolled back onto the bed.
That was all she could take. “Love you too, big bro”, she said and darted from the room.
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David found his wife sitting in the floor of their shower in their bathroom. He saw through the glass that her knees were drawn up to her chest and her arms encircled them. He sighed and stripped down to join her in the shower. Once he was under the hot water he dropped to his knees and pulled her against his chest. “It’s ok to let it out, baby. I’m here.”
She took in a shuddering breath and sobbed silently into the strength of her husband’s chest. She cried her grief, her sorrow, her sadness… all of it. She needed to let this all out of she was going to be effective in caring for her brother in his last few months.
As David held his wife, a few tears of his own slid down his cheeks. Matt was like his flesh and blood. He was closer to Matt that he was Ben and to see Matt dying in front of his eyes killed a piece of him. During the Utopian Occupation, he knew that if he needed anything, he could call Matt and if it was within his power he would do it. If Matt died in his house, he didn’t know how he would feel about it. But, he also knew that after everything he’d witnessed that night, he couldn’t let Matt and Jenn leave his home; not as sick as Matt was.
So, there they sat in their shower- husband and wife- holding each other and letting out their pain. And in that moment, they both made their peace with the passing of their brother. They knew that when he was ready to let go; they could let him go.
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